June 27 2010-California-The turtleneck room-Apple iPity release date and demonstration announcement

The following is a work of comedy and sarcasm and is in most legally binding ways fictitious: but many of the details are in fact truthful. For this we apologize.

As 2010 rolled out yet another miserable update of the same old 09 economic recession the ever benevolent Apple computers posted its best quarterly earnings the highest stock prices since its founding.

CEO and co founder Steve (I always shave on the third day) Jobs sensing this result might not be in keeping with Apple's image of sensitivity for the plight of the common consumer immediately took action and in an unprecedented act of corporate humility he ordered the release of a new product which not only promises to fail in competition with his competitors existing e-readers and mobile devices but also utilizes Apple's ever vaunted coolness factor to compete with not one but two of Apple's own existing powerhouse products.

When asked how his design teams in California could have pulled off such a feat Jobs answered… "it's simple, at Apple we are the best at what we do so by simply failing to add a single functionality to an Apple customer's already available tool kit it ensures not only a loss of competitive edge but also product confusion among our customers and a respectable drop in Apple's earnings in 2010." Kenny Jenkins of the assimilated press questioned Jobs on his claim that this was not in fact a way cooler iphone. Jobs replied with the following… "Seriously guys, don't worry, it can't do a single thing your iphone can't already do better and its way more irritating to handle than a laptop. You try typing 40 words a minute for an hour on a plane with your face staring at your cock and see how much you like it, no we designed it in California that way so that it would be a sure fire looser."

Mr Jobs went on to make an effective demonstration of his product's California designed new iredundant(™) and ihumble(™) features which prevented the ipity to even show it's own release keynote(™) in the proper aspect ratio. When one reporter pointed out that the part of the image that was visible looked beautiful in the 1080 HD resolution Jobs drew the crowds attention to the device's hard drive which at 16 to 64 gb is crushed by an ipod classic. "...it's not like you need to read a book in HD." Jobs continued..."and anything where you might want that kind of resolution..well you just don't have room." When asked about the apparent lack of speakers or a headphone jack Jobs explained that the App-le branch of Apple is currently working on a an app that will create visual representations of headphones in the screen of the ipity. "You want wireless, well now you really have it in a new way, but not really new, its more like...more like a magical almost stupid way. When your walking this magical machine down the block you wont have to worry about that silly white cord or that elegant bluetooth jaw bone anymore, just wipe your ear along the base of the screen for total hands free wireless listening and control your holding the thing anyway, just hold it higher."

Later in the same presentation he further allayed every concern of his suffering competitors saying... "Don't worry, this thing is not only a more cumbersome version of our previous mobile device, it wont even run the media as well. Believe me, the last time anybody watched a ten inch square screen TNG was still airing new episodes on network TV and even then you didn't have to worry about the battery running down or your arms getting tired, or burning your hands or wiping your finger prints off the screen. You can't use real programs and the apps are all time wasters from the iphone catalogue anyway. Trust me when I say we designed this thing in California and this thing is a sure miss, and we know it cause we designed it in California that way."

-Vernon Sheridan Kingsley M'butu

This posting was written on a keyboard that makes clicking sounds, feels good and does not obstruct my view of the screen...it was also designed in California